Thursday, 5 October 2017

Questions, Questions everywhere : Ask yourself this before choosing a husband

I went home for the holidays (which end sooner each time) and I have to say, staying some kilometers away from your house is not as cool as everyone makes it out to be.

 Now, if it were my friends going home, they are greeted and fed and pampered to no end. I , on the other hand, am given chores. I am woken up at 5 am on a holiday. I also have to endure a couple of pissed off people who pass off as my neighbors.

 So there is this husband. And there is the wife. And a son who is still in school I believe. The husband has bouts of utter rage where all he does is beat the crap out of the lady and yells and shouts a lot. And my folks sleep peacefully in the other corner, while this woman’s screams torment me to no end in the wee hours of the morning .
What do they fight about? I don’t know. I don’t care either. But domestic violence is something that I find supremely appalling. I don’t even know how to help that woman because each time my folks try to talk to her, she ends up being rude. So maybe she doesn’t want intervention? It’s weird alright!

And thus-  this post ladies & gentlemen, is going to be a set of questions you ask yourself before choosing a husband.
(I took the liberty of mentioning Indian husband, because I have absolutely no idea about other countries. Also our people have the custom of arranged marriage – unlike most countries we know and try to ape)

Alright, let’s dive right in!

Questions you could ask yourself before choosing an Indian husband:  

             Do you want to get married?

If yes, then proceed. If no, then please spend a year in deep thought over why are you choosing a husband in the first place.

             Are you sure you want to get married?

Just checking.

           Are you comfortable with large groups of people invading your life regularly?
Expect large hordes of people to come and go as they please while you are the mercy of “in-laws” and other paraphernalia
Speaking of in-laws - that's a different universe altogether, and will not get covered here.

           Do you like cooking?
If you look forward to cooking everyday, without fail, come rain or  snow – whether you are at the brink of death, or already an ethereal ghost, then read on.

                       Do you like cooking fantastical dishes and getting brutally honest critiquing?
The husband is a creature that will leave no stone unturned in pointing out every little flaw with whatever he sees. He might go out to a restaurant where they have zero hygiene. He might go through garbage pails even – but still it is his heavenly duty to criticize what you cook. If you value negative feedback, read on…

           Do you like cooking when you are tired, overworked and just want to sleep?
This is just an iteration of the previous 2 points. Also if you really like cooking so much, you could apply and probably win MasterChef. It's a cooking show. Look it up.

           Would you be okay asking for permission for everything you do, and every breath you take?
People love the feeling of power, of control over lesser beings. Get ready to be the lesser being. You will be expected to ask permission for everything – from what to wear, to whether you are allowed to go home for the holidays. Ha ha, I am just kidding. There are no holidays here. You are a slave for life.

           Will you be fine if all decision making  (like having children) is not in your hands, i.e., someone else makes your life’s choices for you?
Remember how you are a lesser being? This is part of that package. This is what happens to cattle. (yes…yes I went there)

                    Are you okay with occasional physical abuse which is later justified as your fault?
This is something else that’s very highly prevalent in India. Now if you were to ask me about it I would say NO. I am NOT okay. In fact NOBODY should be. But turns out, this decision is in your hands. If you feel that someone else is justified to beat the crap out of you, go right ahead and get hitched. Remember, these entitled individuals will mask their so-ugly-only-their-mama-could-love-them personalities under a fa├žade of lovey-dovey, jealous man-of-your-dreams aura.

1                  Are you willing to give up on childish “dreams” that you dare conjure?
Iterating on the fact that you are a lesser being – you are expected to put the husband (your divine Lord) on a pedestal. Selfless serving is key here people. Actually if you think about it, most women should go to heaven because selfless seva? That’s like their whole sorry life. Your dreams, interests and aspirations take a backseat. And if you feel like you want this sort of a make-over of your soul (hey, if depression and darkness are what you need who am I to stop you!) then go on and get married already!

In conclusion :
            If you are the sort of person who wants to be taken care of, who wants someone to tell her what to do and what not to do, who likes being  controlled and suppressed on a regular basis, and in some cases – who thinks it’s okay for anyone else to raise their hand on her – marriage is for you. Go right ahead and pick’em off the shelf.

            If you are the sort of person who wants to be independent, who wants to explore, have adventures, not have to answer unnecessary questions, who wants to care for the people she likes, and who basically would like to live an intelligent biological form – run away! (Or pick someone wisely – although that’s a thing to discuss on some other day)

This is in no way a comprehensive list. and feel free to add your questions in the comments!

PS: for all you guys out there who might read my blog, there is hope for you too! The upcoming posts should also let you know what to ask yourself when choosing a wife. Although I am not sure you would want to.

See you soon!


Friday, 29 September 2017

The USB Fiasco

As if the weird problems in my life weren't a good testimony of my luck, this happened about a year ago.

(A year ago! what were you doing for so long! - this is something P asks me regularly... Thanks P , you are my only reader [I feel]. And yes. I am lazy. Dangerously so.)

There I was madly rushing to complete assignment after assignment, when one particularly ... interesting faculty asked us to get print outs of said assignment. So much for saving the environment eh?

Now, we had this really nifty printer on campus that uses cloud computing et al., Said printer happened to have a minor issue right when we needed prints - so yay for Murphy's Law?. 

This led to us - me n friend Siva, looking for greener pastures. And like the lazy bum I am, I suggested we go by the back gate. And this was an area that was new to us at the time. Also it was the time when my mother never appreciated the godsend that the pockets in all my pants are. So there we were walking along with my wallet, phone and USB drive in hand (The pen drive was my dad's. I lost mine with my wallet a couple of years back - good times those) without any pockets. Now E-city? It's a haven in Bangalore. Trees line the roads, you have good roads too! and huge - really huge- storm water drains, covered by large concrete slabs with conveniently sized holes in them.

Well I guess some of you know where is this going. *Sigh*

I guess things started to go wrong as soon as we stepped out of the college gate. We had no idea how to find the shops from this way. We wandered along happily glad that the infernal assignment was over! And then we started hurrying along because the deadline was ticking closer. And just as we were going to turn around Siva decided to stop and wonder - Which way to go now?

And lo - behold, I bumped into her , and of all the junk I was carrying in my hand (I had pens and hair clips too) the only thing that fell was the USB. And it fell in this excruciatingly slow sllloooowww fall. It was poetic.

 Where did it fall? Well remember me talking about those "conveniently" shaped holes? Yeah that's right. It fell right in. It didn't even slip and slide - no- it just plopped right in. One millisecond ago - USB in hand- second plop! 

I think I had brain fog, judging by the way it took me two whole minutes to register what had happened. In the mean time Siva was freaking out saying "Oh my God! it fell in! it fell in!" . Very soon I snapped out of it, and felt horrified. Then feeling good that I wasn't panicking as much(ha!) I went ahead and started looking for a stick. 

There was no stick.

This might feel like an alternate reality - not finding a stick. But it's true. No sticks in E-city apparently. What did I need a stick for?     I had this brilliant thought of getting the stick through the hole, getting the USB stuck onto the stick and then pulling it out of the same hole. Well, no such luck. First of all there wasn't a decent stick in the vicinity. Second, the USB couldn't be found.

And so after a few minutes of fruitless searching I went and bent down to the hole and started trying to locate the damned thing. Turns out it was there. Me and Siva confidently estimated that the drain couldn't be deeper than two feet. And this is how the first person found us. 

You see this road wasn't isolated. There were vehicles plying. Thankfully nobody had looked at us weirdly till then. Then this good soul came upon us, me sprawled on the ground trying to look into a hole and Siva sitting by my side. He said he would get it out ASAP. And he gets rope. I have no idea how would rope help him when our twigs couldn't - we did find thin twigs which were hardly of any use. 

And then the police came.

There we were, the three adventurers bent over the slab, and the police just stopped there and asked us what were we doing. The police officer asked me which company were we from. (Could be because we were all dressed in our pajamas). I told him - College. And then we get the standard response from him like all Bangaloreans - college in E-city? And although we were both thoroughly terrified by then , they all did help us out. 

Turns out rope is good for pulling out concrete slabs. Oh, and the drain? was deeper than 6 feet. Our twigs would never have worked. And boy am I glad that it was dry? There was no water and the person who stopped first climbed down and got me the pen drive. The police stood around and told us off (okay, told me off. I guess even they realized Siva couldn't be that moronic). He did note down our college's name. We thanked them all and i clutched that stupid USB drive close and we both slunk out before any more details were asked. Honestly, the sigh of relief could probably be heard for kilometers. 

After getting out and getting those cursed prints and returning - through the main gate - we reach college and I keep thinking that any moment now, the police are going to be here, questioning about the pen drive and what it contained  and why - oh why- would I have dropped it at that specific spot. Thankfully they didn't.

And of course, recounting this to my brother resulted in him denouncing me as any known family member that he has ever had. The girls just had a good laugh. And I always look for pockets in any pants or sweaters that I buy from now on.

This adventure ended well. (Given my affinity for all the troubles that I regularly get into - this did end well. I mean, normally this shouldn't have happened AT ALL. But hey, atleast i got it back!) . I know the people involved on that day wouldn't read this blog, but I want to say this anyway - 

Thank you Siva, for not running away when the police jeep stopped even though I could see you were terrified, and thank you for being there the whole time. Thank you, stranger for stopping your vehicle on a busy day and trying to help the weird girl bent over a hole in the ground. Thank you for going down and getting my pen drive as well. Thank you, Sirs for being kind enough to let us get that stupid USB drive out of that drain. Apologies for the inconvenience caused. And yes, I will never hold the pen drive in my hand and walk around like I did.

(you know I do need some tagline like Gossip Girl! Something to sign off with.. Suggest something !)

PS: I haven't written in a long long time. I hope to write more often now. This was just one of the articles that I meant to write as soon as it happened but I somehow didn't. Thanks P for being an.... erm... encouraging (*cough* aggressively so *cough*) force.
Will write soon!

PPS: And soon after that incident we could see all these slabs being cemented in so that nobody else could just pull em up. I guess the USB was unlucky that it couldn't escape to one of those parts of the city.